What’s Your Texas Sign? Traditional Zodiac gets a Lone Star twist
Story and illustrations By Janna Zepp
I remember, back in my 1970s childhood, picking up my mother’s women’s magazines and reading the horoscopes in them. It was fun to see the predictions for Sagittarius (my sign) and those of my mom (Cancer) and dad (Aquarius). When I became Tex Appeal’s editor, I thought about having a horoscope section in the magazine, but never got around to creating one. I know enough about the pseudo-science of astrology to have fun with it, but I’m not quite skilled enough to do actual star charts and in-depth “reading of the stars.”
Still, if Tex Appeal had a horoscope section, what would it look like?
To determine how to create our own Texas astrology, we need to look at the most popular astrology paths first.
Traditional Western astrology is based on the movements of the heavenly bodies, their positions in the sky at the date and time of a person’s birth, and the geographic location where the individual was born.
In Asian, particularly Chinese astrology, the signs go in 12-year cycles. It depends on the particular year during which an individual is born.
This year, 2023 is the Year of the Rabbit or Cat, depending on which version one consults. People born in a year of the Rabbit are called “Rabbits” and are believed to be vigilant, witty, quick-minded and ingenious.
Texan astrology would, like other versions, rely on animals for signs. I have named the 12 signs of the Texas Zodiac for our official and unofficial state animals, with names in both English and Spanish in the style of loteria cards to honor our Spanish/Mexican heritage and because I love the artwork of that game. My Spanish was checked by a friend fluent in Spanish, so if it’s wrong, you can blame José.
By the way, loteria is a traditional game of chance, and what is astrology but a means of bettering one’s chances at life? The name is the Spanish word for lottery and is often referred to as Mexican bingo, where illustrated cards depicting the Mexican aesthetic replace bingo balls. One of these days, I will play it.
But let’s get back on track. To simplify the Texas Zodiac, a person’s sign would depend on the month in which they were born and where in the Lone Star State’s particular regions they were born, such as North Texas, South Texas, East and West Texas, to determine individual characteristics that modify how each sign presents based on each person born under it. Use your imagination for that.
Beyond that, believers in astrology are on their own when it comes to the signs of the Texas Zodiac. In my own estimation, the following general descriptions of each are as follows:
The Mockingbird/El Sinsonte (January): Mockingbirds are highly intellectual and creative. Marked by independence, nobody gets to tell them what to do. Occasionally social, Mockingbirds are not likely to participate in social interactions unless they truly want to. They are “ideas” people, never suffering from a lack of inspiration. They can be a little aggressive, especially when you come too close to their nests. El Paso-born and Lubbock-born Mockingbirds are more relaxed than their other regional counterparts. They’re friendly and kind until friendly and kind no longer works. Then, it’s beak out and game ON.
The Blue Lacy Dog/La Lacy Azul (February): The Lacy Blue Dog is the hardest worker of the zodiac and loves nothing more than getting ahead in life. They are ambitious, determined, materialistic and strong. They will keep going when others would’ve given up ten miles back. This makes Blue Lacys great partners in life, as well as friends or collaborators. Intelligent, intense, active and alert, Blue Lacys display great drive and determination to work at their goals. When young, they may have too much energy and drive for most people, but they are easy to train and learn new skills quickly. This is especially true of South Texas-born Blue Lacys.
The Guadalupe Bass/La Bajo de Guadalupe (March): Bass people effortlessly adapt to their surroundings. These visionary fish have unparalleled access to the collective unconscious through their clairvoyance and make incredible artists and creative types. Kind and gentle, they’re invigorated by shared experiences of music and romance. Often shy and retiring, Bass people can be bold when the situation requires it, up to and including attacking anyone who gets to invasive in their personal spaces. North Texas-born Guadalupe Bass have a penchant for being over dramatic and a little stormy. It’s probably because they were born and raised so close to the 635 and 75 exchange near North Dallas.
The Armadillo/El Armadillo (April): Armadillos enjoy relaxing in serene, pleasant environments, surrounded by soft sounds, soothing aromas, and succulent flavors. They are drawn to love, beauty, and art, particularly Surrealist art. Most artists are born in the sign of the Armadillo. Austin-born Armadillos are the least Texan of Texans. You’d swear they were from California instead. And while we know Austinites want to “Keep Austin Weird,” some Austin-born Armadillos exhibit an air of “Weirder Than Thou,” which, frankly, can be annoying. When agitated, Armadillos can dig in and refuse to come out of their shells. Sometimes short-sighted, they can freeze at the slightest threat. Keep them away from busy traffic.
The Longhorn/El Cuerno Largo (May): Longhorns are driven by a desire to prove themselves and their strength. They have high energy, and are competitive and ambitious. They naturally take charge because they are good at initiating new projects. Longhorns can also be impatient, but are naturally active and don’t like to waste time. Denying Longhorn people their relaxation time is like waving a red flag at them. Don’t do it or they’ll run you over. It’s better to let them graze at their leisure when it comes to meals. Fort Worth-born Longhorns are the most Texan of Texans and almost always introduce themselves with what generation Texan they are.
The Western Diamondback Rattlesnake/La Serpiente de Cascabel (June): Rattlesnakes are known for their loyalty and devotion — and also their passion. They have exceptionally deep feelings and emotions, but you will never know by the lack of emotion they often display. Rattlesnakes are often expert poker players. Keep your eyes open at social events because they love to hide in plain sight and you find yourself encountering them without warning. Houston-born Western Diamondback Rattlesnakes are a little more dangerous than the average serpent. Tread carefully.
The Gulf Shrimp/El Camarones de Golfo (July): Nurturing and loyal, Gulf Shrimp are also protective of their loved ones. While reserved, they stand on a foundation of strength — and aren’t afraid to act when they feel it’s necessary. Central Texas-born Gulf Shrimp love to be alone on a beach around dusk because of their introverted natures and not having grown up around the ocean. Gulf Shrimp have a preternatural ability to know things without knowing how they know them. They know, but you won’t know how they know and they know that you don’t know that they know. But now you know.
The Ocelot/El Ocelote (August): Ocelot folks are radiantly joyful, charismatically appealing and fun. They are fiercely proud and confident. They love and live life to the fullest rather than being in charge at home, work and play. Highly social in public, they value their privacy more than their possessions. Invite them to your events, but don’t be offended if they only occasionally show up. They need lots of alone time to recharge their social batteries. West Texas-born Ocelots crave the company of people and seem to be an exception to the social balance rule, but that’s likely because they never saw a lot of people where they lived while growing up. Ocelots love adventure, particularly in romance. Let them cat around a bit before settling down. They’re fickle in the beginning of relationships, so don’t take it personally if you’re not their only fascination at the moment. That said, don’t put up with the unacceptable. Put that cat out and close the door for good if you must.
The Horned Lizard/El Lagarto Cornudo (September): Horned Lizards or Horned Toads (and a variation on that name thereof) get twitchy if their homes aren’t kept “just so.” Not all, but most are neat freaks. Horned Toads are sticklers for protocols, propriety and appearances. They love luxury. Not necessarily the price tag for that luxury, but if they can find it on sale, they’ll buy it and treasure it. In love, Horned Toads have something of a roaming eye (not one that squirts blood at their enemies, but it can get them into some trouble). It’s not serious, though. Like shopping, it’s really all about the looking first and finding the best deal. If a Horned Toad loved you enough to marry you, then rest assured, you were — and remain — absolutely the best deal ever. Of course, if it didn’t work out, then they’re wrong and you are still the best deal ever. They’re just stupid and you deserve better.
The Monarch Butterfly/La Mariposa (October): Butterflies must have beauty and harmony in their lives to survive. They need it as much as the rest of us need food, shelter and air to breathe. Monarch Butterflies are some of the most well-turned-out women and men you will ever meet. Their personal tastes are impeccable and their eyes for symmetry, balance, color, texture and form are unmatched. A San Antonio-born Monarch Butterfly will take your breath away with her personal fashion style. Of course, exceptions to this rule exist, and if you know one whose personal taste is all in his or her mouth, you’ve met a rare bug indeed. Their strengths lie elsewhere in the aesthetics department and can likely be easily guided to making better choices. Just say, “Bless your heart,” help them pick out their outfits and leave it at that.
The Mexican Free-Tailed Bat/El Murciélago (November): Sexy, mysterious, intelligent and alluring, the Mexican Free-Tailed Bat fascinates everyone they meet. They can be intense, harsh and extremely emotional. They crave intimacy. They have a powerful presence and demanding personalities. Picture a nuclear reactor and you have the nature of the Bat summed up precisely. Rarely do they blow up, but underneath that cool exterior are seething, hot feelings that, uncontrolled, can be a total disaster. They don’t get mad as much as they get even in the most subtle ways. Bats are natural-born leaders, trusted advisors, and successful business people. Many priests, pastors and other clergy are born in November in the sign of the Mexican Free-Tailed Bat because they are deeply fascinated by the spiritual realm. Bats born in East Texas tend to be a little “goth” in their appearances. It’s probably because of all the pine trees.
The Quarter Horse/El Caballo (December): Quarter Horses are optimistic, lovers of freedom, hilarious, fair-minded, honest and intellectual. They are spontaneous and fun, usually with a lot of friends, and are perhaps the best of conversationalists. Quarter Horse honesty can be brutal, and it is always accurate. If you don’t want to get kicked in the teeth with the truth, don’t ask a Quarter Horse. They look graceful in movement until they trip over their own feet and fly, face first into the mud. Quarter Horses are talented actors, public speakers, athletes, writers, media and medical professionals, and teachers. They love learning for the sake of learning and are always involved in a creative project or hobby. Slightly foolish and often unlucky in love, they make great partners if you’re not too wrapped up in traditional romance and gender stereotypes. San Marcos-born Quarter Horses are generally found in broadcast and/or print media careers writing horoscopes for regional lifestyle magazines.
I hope you enjoyed this little creative foray into “Texas astrology.” I had fun writing it. Please note: if any of this is actually accurate, I apologize. I’m not responsible for any accuracies or inaccuracies you encounter because this was written purely for humor and entertainment. Have fun with it and let me know what you think by emailing editor@texappealmag.com.
